Just a few more hours to twenty sixteen.
Time flies, huh? As much as I'm dreading the start of a new year (read: Acad Yr), I can't wait to leave the nasty twenty fifteen.
Before we leave, I want to share a very personal story with you. I shared my life in Inmyshawls for the past four years. I went from being a new educator to an educator with six years of experience. I went from a colourful individual to a moody and dark outlook.
I also went from being attached to being engaged to being single.
I have been getting emails and direct messages from people telling me they saw a familiar face on another person's page.
And it's true. I got out of a seven year relationship. I was kicked out of my 'engaged' status. I was left in the low.
I never usually share such a personal story even to my friends and I am not asking for a pity party. I just want my story to allow everyone in a similar situation to relate. I hope I can be the voice to those who can't express their stories. It was over a long time ago and I am not sour about it at all. The both of us are leading our own lives happily now.
No relationship is perfect. Not even ours. We loved each other. Somewhere along the way we got tired and the flame died, almost immediately. None of us was contributing anything to keep the relationship alive. We saw it dwindling right in front of us. Then there were external factors which I won't elaborate.
I was named the bully. In truth, I was as much a victim.
Somewhere in that seven years, I lost myself. I couldn't find myself as I was too involved in the wedding preparations. While getting myself ready for a change in status, I lost the Fatiin that I was. I kept asking myself every year, a day before my birthday-
What have I done the past year that is purposeful and worth bringing over to the next?
I saw him grow. I surprised him on his first day of attachment. We met after he got his sponsorship and we celebrated that success. Fast forward on his last day of his attachment, we celebrated the end of the journey. I took an mc to celebrate his diploma graduation day. We went through NS together. We definitely worked our butts off. I saw him applying for his degree and I followed to pay his last fees. We went through milestones together. I was just playing the role of a supportive girlfriend not just through my silent prayers but through my actions. I saw him graduate the second time and I was very proud of him.
I remember we were in the car and I was eating a box of spicy mcnuggets. We had that conversation- he didn't want to pursue his advance diploma until later. We were together and I did the pushing for him to send the application.
For many years, my purpose in life was preparing myself to be a fiancée and a wife.
Then one day, I wanted to do things differently. I wanted to find myself before being someone else's wife. I started flying. I started going on trips.
But I got addicted. I caught the travel bug. I also started doing other things to occupy myself. But my partner wasn't too keen on my new found interest. One time he told me to halt all traveling plans because of the wedding. My rationale was that I can save up for my trips as well as the wedding but he wouldn't hear of it. There were things I wanted to achieve before settling down. I wanted to make a name for myself before settling down. He wasn't too fond of my ideas. He expects me to do all that after the wedding, with him.
But you see, I was on the road of self-reflection and self-discovery. Which I wanted to do alone. There are just some things you need to do alone. Finding yourself is one.
I soon looked at things differently. I even do things differently. He said I changed. He said I was different from the person he knew. Truth was, I grew up. I grew out of the fantasies that my eighteen year old self wanted. I simply became an adult. I realised that at twenty four, I haven't achieved much. I was stagnant at every aspect of my life.
Somewhere, some things happened. An event took place. One which accelerated the breakup. One that confirmed our expiring love.
Fast forward to Ramadhan this year.
Things were so heated between us that there was never a day that we didn't fight. Once, my colleagues even saw us fighting.
On the eve of Eid, my heart never pounded this hard because Takbir always gives me the calming effect. But this time, every word pinched me and cracked my heart into a million pieces. He texted my dad to meet that very night to officially end the engagement.
Couldn't he have found a better day/time to drop the bomb?
I didn't know how to react to my new status. I broke down at work, in the bus, in the class, at home, basically everywhere. I shut myself from the world. When I came back, I put on a facade. I got myself busy with work and tire myself endlessly,
I was at the lowest point in my life. I never thought I'd end up single nine months shy from the wedding date.
Fast forward six months later. Today.
Looking back, I am glad I got out of a toxic relationship. I had many visions and aspirations for myself. None of which was supported by the person I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I wanted to start on a dream that I've always held on to but I was shrugged off. I can't be with someone who doesn't share the same vision. And one who doesn't support my dreams.
Truthfully, it was a very trying period for the first few months. I couldn't accept what had happened to me. I fell too deep in the well of dissapointment. I felt like a loser. I kept reproaching myself. I blamed myself for the failure. I hated myself.
Marriage was a perfect course of life for me. I have always planned to be married by twenty five. The could've, should've and would've happened or not is not entirely either of our faults. None did a worst job at the relationship. We both shared the responsibility of the failed relationship.
The whirlwind of mixed signals of this lost love is the result of us exhausting every option.
And when I thought the pain is over, I felt the pain deeper than deep when the person I thought 'belonged' to me, suddenly belongs to someone else. I wouldn't get to see his third graduation. I wasn't the first to hear of the promotion we both wanted for you.
I have a secret that nobody knows including him. This is probably my biggest mistake I don't verbalise my love. I never get to say it but is portrayed beautifully in words of E.E Cummings.
"here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows
higher than soul can hope
or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart - I carry it in my heart"
... no more
After all that, I came out stronger. I am strong not because I went through it. I am strong because I let it go.
I pray that he is happy with the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life. I am still waiting for the man written for me. In the meantime, I'll take over the universe- In My Shawls.
Love is simple. We complicate it.
♥♥
